There is this moment amidst the blur that is still precisely in focus. This moment in life were you stand aside from the confusion.


The mouse i never would have seen if my car hadn't been stuck

So this guy or girl or someone who was not intelligent parked in front of my garage the other day. Who does that? Right? of course it turned out that i had to pick up a hard drive to deliver a project deadline on this unfortunate evening and found myself with only one option... Metro. Turned out my graphics guy lives near universal studios which has a redline stop. So i went and got it and experienced many interesting things in my journey. Heres one...
there was this mouse rumaging around below the tracks where the subway picks up people and shuttles them around under the city. It was lightning quick in its scurrying but ever so careful. Lightly hopping over any obstruction before scuttling over and under the pipes. Why would any creature live in such a place? Doesnt it know about the mountains? That on a crisp and clear day one can see all the way to the ocean? Doesnt that mouse realize what it feels like to breathe above the clouds below with the golden sun on your back? Or maybe there is something we are missing? When the lights go out and the tunnels get quiet is there a silence so pure only the foolish would break it? Maybe as long as you are content to be warm even garbage tastes like cheese.

- Posted from the Road


A Watched Pot Never Boils

- surely the longest route to the summit is in your mind.

There are these distinctly hard runs that one experiences where you have to dig so deep to push yourself through something you thought you couldnt. Sometimes i feel like i plan my training and go into any particular run worrying that i might find myself in one of those situations or even secretly hoping that i dont. But really i think theres something about those days that i keep searching for whenever i run. It may even be the real reason i keep getting out there


junk miles

...are like this. Suppose for a moment that I am a pro video editor (: I know final cut in and out because I use it everyday. The best thing for me to do is try to edit better but faster and spend less time cutting thereby making more money for my time and having more energy to make good creative decisions. (or running quality strong miles vs. quantity of miles and focusing on recovery) If I want to improve in a certain area I can do specific training to educate myself. But any other extra time spent using the software won't really help me. If anything I'll burn out and my overall performance will suffer. However, if I want to learn a new software and maybe learn to cut a new medium like feature length films within final cut, it is good for me to spend as much time as possible doing it. Even if it's just doing the basics over and over, not necessarily straining myself. Because I will be forming good habits and developing 'muscle' memory that will be good for me in the long run. More simply though, in the case of ultra-running... it's all junk miles. The point is to go slow enough to be able to run without stopping. Inevitably you will gain fitness but not really see improvement in speed.


beyond the marathon

it's all about managing pain... how much pain you can manage. not running as hard as you can until you must stop and face the rigor mortis. but rather, running slowly until that pain which at the start was unnoticeable becomes a searingly howling rage in the muscles begging you to stop. the goal in training is to get used to feeling like crap all the time.


celebrating the pressure

when I am running i can think so clearly. often times I find myself trying to remember like 5 different things to do when I get back. often times its a bit of inspiration I want to write down. I try and come up with shortcuts so I don't have to keep repeating them in my head throughout my run. always celebrate good decisions. poor choices come from negative thinking. instead of feeling sorry for yourself when you turn off the tv at 10 and go to bed, celebrate the fact that you are going to feel amazing the next day. always look forward and think positively. the grueling work you put in will become a joy rather then a burden. fight the power take the power loose the power when a weight trainer wants to lift a poundage he has never been able to, he must lift lower weights repetitively until his muscles build up enough to handle it. at some point he must go and attempt that heavy weight. but the more he has built up ahead of time the less risk he has of hurting himself. while it is good to have others rooting for you and holding high expectations of you... don't let the pressure of running races ruin it for you. remember that it's always an adventure. one in which there is just you and nature. the challenge is your own. do not imagine other people even care about your running because then you will just be doing it to finish for them. maintain a sense of novelty about the adventure of going on a journey, starting at your doorstep.


Keep ur dreams in the sky and ur feet on the ground

I have this great feeling of peace about racing. i am confident that while i try and push the boundaries of my ability i am not going out irresponsibly. I dont have a long history of successes to live up to. I respect the distance and i still love the trail more then the race. I hope that as i continue to improve i will not loose this perspective which keeps me close to the ground.

- Posted from the Road

Location:Leona Valley, CA night before marathon


The Gates of Something Greater then Yourself

When i see the sky bridge from down below I see a piece of architecture that makes one man appear insignificant. And yet it was men that strove to cross the divide and thus built a magnificent structure to allow paasage. Running underneath it reminds me of what is so great about lifting yourself to accomplish something you are only capable of on that day. To finish a marathon, to win a 50k. These efforts symbolize an achievement above your ability. A mark that lasts for a moment. then you have to continue embarking on other journeys that lead to new ground. And that is why everytime i run beneath the sky bridges i pray, 'to pass through gates of something greater then myself.'

- Posted from the Road


why bad can be good

a bad run for me is one which I execute poorly. i run too fast. fuel too little, or too much. over train in the days leading up to it or even the day before. and i run out of steam before it's over. generally i finish the run feeling disappointed in myself like I could have gotten more from the run if I had just been patient or ran smarter. Even if by the end of the run I'm proud of myself for gritting my teeth and finishing, later on I will feel that I wasted the potential of it.
The reason that these bad runs can be good is because you have to dig so deep to make up for your mistakes. You have to stare down that wall when it smacks you in the face. And coming through that gives you a kind of confidence. Not an arrogance at all. Just a humble confidence that says, I have re defined my pain. I approached my threshold and now I know that I can dig beyond it and survive. Each time I do I push it farther and farther away. And that makes me stronger.



Ive always been a bit of a bit of a paradox. My life always being full of extreme contradictions. From an early age there was my ubber conservative father and then my more leaneant mother. We lived in a third world country surrounded by utter poverty but were never concerned about money. We were not well off but i didnt have to fear not having a roof over my head, even if it was a small roof. While i had 3 siblings i often spent time alone. I always found that i had desires pulling me in opposing directions. One that leads to a tree which i climb and sit in quietly for hours another where i live in an apartment on the 15th floor with chrome counters. There is the desire to be a people pleasing pro and the other to be a bad boy jock superstar. As an adult my job seems glamourous fun and cool but is also extremely nerdy and often unredeeming. On one hand Im drawn to movies and hard beats and technology but i also desire the simple country life with dirt on my hands and dew on my boots. I want to disappear into the sunset and live to tell about it.
I suppose ill never reconcile these opposing germinations and ill never be rid of either of them. When i foster one side for too long the other gets jealous and fends for some attention. Instead I must look at them as a gift. For they have made my life that much richer.


"Maybe i should take today off"
I thought to myself as i stepped up to the starting line of the Endure The Bear 50k trail run. After all i didnt sleep well and even woke up feeling strange due to the altitude. Big Bear Lake is a town at 7600 feet. Todays run is going up to. And this week i had been running less anyway because of some lingering foot injuries. But starting at 7am before the shorter distabce races made this feel more like a long run then a race, not to mention the distance! No one shot of the gate but rather we all found a nice rythm to warmup on the first climb.

Top 5
It became obvious that no one was here to blow the field away. I ran the first 5k with the lead pack of four guys. One of them was a chatter box but as i was trying to take it easy today i engaged him in a lengthy conversation. Meanwhile the other two guys shot off down the trail. We wondered if those two were just bluffing and when the smart runners would catch up to us, the ones that you dont see until the last 25k when they sail past you like theyre still getting warmed up. But only one guy caught up to us. Somewhere before half way when the chatterbox said something about the altitude getting to him. He dropped the pace and i never saw him till the finish.

Top 5 would be nice.
I was now pacing with a guy who didnt say much at all/ he just maintained a very steady pace. No walking on the uphills and staying in control on the downs. Now thats my style! I tried not to think about the possibility of getting top five today. Only halfway through a 50k and the race hasnt really started. Because from here on out anything can happen.

As good as i felt i was worried that around 40k or more i would bonk. That is, my muscles would sieze up and my will to keep moving would vaporize. I tried to keep the thought out of my head.

Top 3 please?
We climbed up to our last loop and a bag stash where they let us organize our own aid. I packed a few lara bars and some gew. I tried to keep eating and drinking with ample aid stations on the course but the altitude or something was makig it difficult. Its like holding your breath and eating under water. But we were making good progress. Already we caugt up to one of the leaders and dropped him by 25 meters. I spotted another runner catching up to us. Someone i hadnt seen before. I tried not to be nervous and run too fast. Just calm down relax your shoulders and continue. Calm, conserve, continue. Repeat.

And then something happened. With every uphill i was gaining momentum. Just as I passed the steady pacer and moved into second place i caught a glimpse of the leader who we had not seen from the beginning. I knew it! He was bluffing all along. Maybe he was fooling himself... When i caugt up to him he said that he took the first loop way too fast. Why he would give away such advantagous information may seem strange to the outsider, but in the 50k + distances its more of a race against yiurself and sharig the experience with each other is all part of te learning process. For example as we careened down a section of single track he hit a root and fell. After getting back on his feet and lettig me take the lead i informed him that i had already fallen twice today. In part so that he wasnt embarassed and partly because i didnt want him feeling sorry for himself(;

Think not of the future and wht it holds.
As we continued to sail down towards the bottom of the final climb i was thunking about my advantage. He was burned out, literally took a fall, and wouldnt be able to run on the uphill. I on other hand was feeling great! No, thats a lie. But no one drops like i do. I sailed so quicky down the trail that when i startee the climb he was nowhere in site. I passed a lot of walkers and joggers who were still on their first loop or 30k runners trying to get the damn thing over with. I tried not to think of the finish line or i mught slow down. I tried not to think of the pack chasing me or i migt hurry. I tried not to think about he fact that i was the leader! Ah its so satisfying in a long race because as you come up to these 'checkpoints' they yell out your number so someone can jot it down. They would yell out my number, check the sheet, look at my yellow bib which signifies that i am 50k runner(thats rigt, a big dog) and then theyd look at the sheet again and get real excited. Theyd annoujce it over the radio to the finish line and help you refill your wafer in a rush and send you on yiur way wishing yiu the best! It was all very exciting. And finally all the hard work was starting to oay off. The hills, the morning runs, the sweltering hot ones, the trans rockies altitude... The list goes on. I didnt want to get to non chalante bt i knew that none of them could catch me on te uphill. I had to break them there and then coadt down and hope they dont find a second wind. Like a kenyan in the marathon who aticks with the pack till the final third of the race and goes for brokw.

Finally on the downhill i knew i had an advantage bt i had to keep pushing. Just keep moving. Just keep moving. Its eas to forget that despitr the final 5k being mostly downhill, its still 5 kilometers. It doesnt haooen quicly. Its painfully long especially when yiur running on fumes and tryig to kick to your first win! Qnd my left foot middle toe was about to come off. Or it felt like it. Every couple of meters id step just wrong and jump over te moon in a shriek of pain. I tried to ignore it. Remember to smile when you cross the finish line. Stuoid, dont assume this things in the bag. yea but even if you dont win, be sure to smile. Stop talking about the finiah. Ok. Just puah. And have fun. No matter what im gonna have fun. I need to win. I need a win. To make it all make sense. To make people stop trying to tell me how i should be doing it. I need just one. And with that i came out of the forest to a little dirt hill and then the tarmac. 400 meters of pavement to the finish. A straight ahot. I couldnt feel my legs and i just cranked. Screw the hard road im taking this home. I looked behind me because i couodjt believe i was in the lead like this. About to finish. But there was no need. I finished in a course record of 4:31:40 and the next two guys were zzz behind.

After finding a veggie sandwhich and a cup of milk in the 'village' i drove stiffly home. Chai, tennis, and nap time. Feels good to win one.


re inspire

think about who you are, and where you come from
decide what you want to accomplish, how far you want to go
put on your shoes and prove that you can do it



We spent the night in a super8 motel in Beuna Vista, CO (ela. 8000ft) before our first run. Had our first 2 meals and debriefing in the local elementary school gym. Met a couple other people also from lower elevations which gave me confidence. Tried to deflect any comments about how fit and competitive we looked by telling people we are just here to train and survive! The first run took off down main street and quickly caught a single track trail that wound around and up a set of hills behind town. After discovering a leaky tube on my camel pack, finding a nice rhythm to the top of the hill where the first aid station was perched, and then cruising down to a severely hot, flat, rocky finish we iced in a river and caught a shuttle to our first camp site.

At camp we found that the shower truck was not as scary as one might expect, that the watch charging station can be quite stressful, and that earplugs are essential part of camping amidst 350 other people. We jumped in shuttle buses and vans to arrive at the start of our second run. A fast warmup to a trail that climbed straight up to Hope Pass at 12,500ft and then right back down to the finish near Twin Lakes. A shorter day of just 13 miles left our legs shot but with some extra time to recover at our new camp in Leadville (elav. 10,000ft).

Today we ran another big one from Leadville's main street directly to camp Hail. We paced ourselves better because after the first two days of everyone trying to prove themselves we were both a little sore! The new camp was beautiful. Entering it from dirt trails and roads gave it a very back country feel. Not to mention it's gorgeous location in a lush valley between some towering heights! The pond and scenery nearby camp made focusing on recovery a breeze. Steve was even tempted by the massage tent and got his muscles worked on a little. I took a nap on the grass and watched clouds grow...

Today we ran another short run of 14 miles. A climb up to treeless ridge and then a rocky risky descent into a riverbed which we navigated for about 3/4 mile to the finish in a little town called red cliff. With a storm brewing we caught an early shuttle back to camp where we iced and rested and helped keep the tents from blowing away in a gusty wind. At dinner we took the vegetarian line which was dependably shorter and provided fantastic fresh veggies and rice and potatoes. All the nutrients, proteins, and starches we needed to keep fueling for a high caloric expenditure the next morning. Feeling re-energized and ready to face the last two days we went to bed early.

We packed up all our belongings at 6 am grabbed breakfast and took an early shuttle back to Red Cliff where we waited in a local coffee shop for the start of the race. It was so cold outside that we didn't line up until 5 minutes before the start. Todays run climbed up 4000ft and then came soaring back down on trails that circled dry ski slopes. Our legs being completely shot from the climb and the previous 4 days had virtually no breaks left and made the long descent a painful one. It took mental focus to stay relaxed and keep careening downhill towards the finish in Veil. It was a rough one, but we tried to enjoy icing in the river and the beautiful weather in veil before catching as much sleep as we could before the final day.

At breakfast on the last day I didn't eat the usual pedigree of oatmeal, fruit, potatoes, and tea. Instead I chose just oatmeal and a banana. I had previously been eating more than I'm used to because I wanted to fuel myself for the entire week, not just each individual day. But having made it to the final run I wanted to feel light and fast over the 3 hills we were about to face. This last run has the most elevation gain of all of them totaling in all 5000 ft. We kept a good pace through town in order to start the single track trail in front of the walkers. It is a well-known strategy in many ultra-marathons to walk the uphills and sprint the downhills. But me and Steve prefer a more stable pace of jogging uphill and then controlling the downhill as much as possible. Inevitably we got stuck behind some walkers and tried to manage the boosts of energy it took to pass them on the skinny trails. But cruising to the top of the first hill and then quickly down to the first aid station at the bottom we found ourselves away from the pack and feeling good. Up the second hill we contained our anticipation and entered the forest at the top at a good clip. A lot of our speed today was helped by the cloud cover which made it much easier to manage body temp. When we started to descend the second hill however the wheels were beginning to rattle. By the time we reached the second aid station at the bottom we were beginning to feel quite exhausted. I was becoming lazy in my hydration and eating and it was starting to show. We crossed the highway and began the last climb of the TransRockies run. At first it was rolling. Up a small hill then around to the side and back down into a gully. Then up again. Some of the people we had been overtaking on the previous uphills were now teasingly crowding around. But as the climb continued endlessly up into the forest one by one they dropped off. Accept one couple who seemed very fresh indeed and over took us like it was day one. I knew half way up that hill that I was in trouble. I could feel that familiar last quarter of a marathon feeling where your legs turn to lead. My pack was running out of water and my mind was playing negative thoughts over and over that I could not deflect. I wished for the top of the hill. I begged for the beauty of the Aspens all around us to end. I wanted this forest and it's roots, logs, and rivers to be far behind me. But it wouldn't obey. So I just kept moving my legs. One after the other. My whole body hurt with every inch of ground I covered. Like when you have a fever and everything you do makes everything worse. Even stopping hurts. Steve was making great encouragement. It's so close! I can see the light through the trees! Just follow his feet. When he steps, I step. When he breaths, I breath. When he drinks, damn I'm out of water! And just when I thought the sweet relief of the top was there, we turned downward. Oh how could I wish for the downhill? It's so much more painful than going up. Even when you have nothing left up is always better then down. I don't know how long it took us to get from the top to the winding trails, past the horse farm, along the road, and finally to a couple switchbacks and onto the grass for the finishing line in front of the Beaver Creek Lodge resort but it felt like forever. Sweet relief was met with smiling faces of the family. I quickly forgot that moments earlier I was in an epic struggle between physical health and dehydration, between mental strength and fortitude, between finishing and not. But now we have done it. A small step across a line in the grass represented a whole weak of lows and highs, of effort, discipline, and focus. Just one more icy river and I can relax...


burning better

i crawl back into this city, leave my shoes at the door. i reconnect with the people that will help me keep a dream alive. i bear it's burden until another opportunity to unplug and escape shimmers through the trees. calling me to the hills where i train my body to be strong, to the desert where i teach my mind stamina, to communal gatherings of adventurers where we test our swiftness. it is a struggle that purifies and focuses my drive, a fire that sharpens and molds my body, a wind that cools and encourages my soul. this discipline is the tiny effect i may have on the change that so pervades life. to resist the unstoppable downward drifting of this stream until one day soon when I can sail back out to sea.


sometimes a mans gotta be big enough to know how small he is

You will never find out the true meaning of this life by asking the stars at night. You must ask yourself in broad daylight when the face of your challenge is clear in front of you.


there's something about trying to create something in the midst of an environment being torn down around you.


Then one day I looked upon a mirror and saw an old old man.

The boy doesn't think about his feet when he runs. He thinks about where he wants to go and how fast he can get there. He doesn't think about his 2 o'clock or his early call, he just climbs towards the roof to get above the chaos that surrounds him. He doesn't know that he will eventually get tired of solving the same problems that plague every man and woman that ever grew up. That he will make excuses and compromises to get just what he needs. That someday there will be no one to blame and no where to hide. It will just be him against the world. He will wish that it could go back to the wonder and the excitement of inexperience when he didn't know that every emotion has a purpose, that no desire is unique, and that hope only exists because it must. But he will stop wishing because he cannot afford the real estate in his heart. He will force himself to abandon the curiosity that led him into freedom as a child for a calculating manipulative shell that hangs between fear and insecurity. He will become proficient enough to


Angeles Crest spectating

so after returning from LAX in the AM I went up to shortcut saddle yesterday (the same spot we started our death march run that one hot day) to check on the ac100. Live update said the first place guy was on his way there. I found a bunch of the runners' crews hanging out and trying to spot anybody on the distant switchbacks through binoculars. I ran that section north of the saddle last week. Got some crazy poison oak (again) and according to some of the people there a new plant with purple flowers that I didn't know was poisonous. anyhow soon the first place dude shows up, Jorge, he's 42, he won it last year, and he's being paced by his wife which they're allowed to do after 50 miles. but they're walking. His whole family latino style sits him down and starts rubbing his legs, icing his neck, spraying his calves. Uncle is video taping and aunty is rinsing his bandana. he eats and drinks a bit, switches water bottles, and takes off. they cheer and whistle at him till he rounds the last bend into the valley. Pretty soon I caught wind that the second place guy isn't far behind. So I decide to stay a bit longer. Dominic comes up the hill in good form. Still running and smiling. Which is impressive at mile 60 something. His crew is more like a bunch of chicks and dudes. Asking him what he needs, telling him how good he's doing. Looking slightly clueless. He doesn't lounge around but shortly says he's good to go and a friend already set with camelbak takes off to pace him through to chantry flats. For an ultra it's all set up to be a 'sprint' finish. Will Dominic continue to pick up his pace or will Jorge forge on and get a second wind? I drove home with plans to hit some other check points or at least go to the finish. I tracked the live updates all day until I realized that Dominic now in the lead wasn't going to finish till 1:30am. But my schedule has been all messed up anyway and I didn't wanna miss this so I went to where I thought the finish was supposed to be and I couldn't find it! Eventually I came home and saw on a map where it was but 2 people had already finished so I called it a night.
with no more context then the results today (that's right, people were still finishing this morning) I found something extremely interesting. oh you thought you were just reading a stream of consciousness blob-i-ddy-du? Nope, there's a moral to this story... and here it is. Out of 72 starters in the race, Jorge who dominated the first half of the race, was the only one to drop out.


the thing about the get rich lifestyle is that there's no end game. there's no point in which you say that you have reached the top. it looses meaning. the beauty of restrictions is focus. only under extreme pressure and heat are diamonds formed. in space everything is just weightless matter floating around until some gravity or other force grabs hold.


Running analogies for life

The harder you work, the easier it gets.
Sometimes you have to slow down to go the distance.
You can't improve in one area and expect overall performance to drastically excel. Like a table or a chair you have to raise each one up in balance.
You can run without winning, but you can never win without running.

- Posted from the Road


Consolidate the evidence

Sometimes on a lazy Sunday afternoon I like to close my eyes and open them over and over, convincing myself that this all really does exist.

- Posted from the Road


Owning the fire

You get to this point in training when you've done it for a while and you can stand back and see that you have a choice... You can continue to put in numerous hours, miles, and energy with no guarantee that you will ever be more than a mediocre recreational runner or you can decide that you are in it for the wrong reasons and prefer a more modest, civilized approach to exercise. In the latter case you may find it difficult to continue at all. I think the really great athletes are the ones who push on past these moments of doubt. By finding why it is a part of your life and a part of who you are you begin to understand that it is worth all that commitment. You realize that running will give you so much more than just winning and you like the pain anyway. I see now how far I've come and I know that there is still so much desire in me to press on and that drive will take me to places I didn't know were possible. Nothing in life should be decided by the scope of sacrifice one has to make to achieve greatness. You should approach your passions one step at a time. If you don't enjoy the running today, there is a low probability that you will like running by the time you have reached your potential.

- Posted from the Road


Potential Migraine Triggers

Inconsistent schedule
'Spiking' or 'dropping' blood-sugar levels
Lack of good nights rest
Unmanaged stress factors
Hydration and electrolyte replacement
Self-destructive behavior
Overuse of personal energy


As guys we are horrible at communicating. As creative sorts we are terrible at explaining things. As long lost friends we are not on the same wave length so much right now. Here's an attempt at explaining my struggle. Forgive the essay.

One year ago when I tried to deal with all the relationships lost over the years i felt so much that i nearly drowned myself. That is, i woke up in the psyche ward of huntington hospital with a gash in my arm. I realized that I needed to start over. Not that I can just ignore my pain but if I can't handle it by eliminating myself from the equation, if I'm going to go on with this existence thing - I wanna do it right. Go all the way. Maximize my strength and ability. And keep running - the only thing I'm excited about right now. Basically there's no reason anymore not to focus 100% on my potential. Why waste time with anything else? To hell with all the stuff I can't figure out.

I think the problem is that you remind me of all that stuff. So when we wanna hang out I'm afraid I'll just start feeling the things that have been lost all over again.

This isn't to say I'm not in favor of our friendship or in need of a friend. The other day I got airlifted out of the mountains and had to take a taxi back to get my car - is just one example. I'm crushed with work(a good thing, no complaints) and trying to fit in 75 miles a week training for a 50mile and then 100 mile race next year hopefully. Which you can't do without sleep. So I dunno where that leaves us. I can't do the social gatherings and late nights, I just dont feel right there. But if we could have a regular meetup like sushi or lunch or something I'd be totally interested.


a man without a dream
is like a ship without a rudder,
he is a train in the sand.


Barely holding on

I feel like a tree at the top of a tremendous cliff, holding back the ferocious weight of a wind that wishes to cast me from the edge.


Leave it all behind

It began with fire. Fire that man unleashed to make the wheel. The wheel that conquered gravity and allowed man to move great distances. In distant lands man mined metals from the earth and forged blades to tame nature, hinges and locks to guard castles, pulleys to catapult objects from a safe distance. He thought up such ingenious weight bearing devices so as to dig deep trenches and lift great stones. Under the earth he found new elements. Chemistry gave him powder that could deliver such a force when mixed with fire that no mountain could refuse his passage. Then came the evolution of the wheel into gears. Refinement of crude oils into fuel for combustion gave rise to complex machinery. The ability to fly followed swiftly. In the blink of an eye there was no place man could not go. With the push of a button the world is now at his doorstep.

All that could not bring man closer to this; the earth, the wind, and the sky.
The only thing that can is your feet.


Freedom of Persuit

Most of life is spent waiting. Waiting can be very slow and confusing. It can also be very busy and deceptive. All the while you wait, and the choice you have is simple. It is up to you what you are waiting for.
Only when you make up your mind, is the path laid out before you. When you know what path you are taking you can decide which way to turn. Then you will be able to live out your desires by knowing which way to go. But still you will spend most of your time waiting.

Leaving friends in Kenya was like crashing our car off the mountain road and down into a forest below. Miraculously we survived and some us remained there for a long time, lost in the forest. Until we realized that if we wanted to get somewhere we must go back up to the road. As much as we wish that we could put the car back on the road as it was before, it is not within our power. So we must go on with just ourselves until we find another place.


the running man - free

it all started with a shoe. this was no ordinary running shoe. it was designed with big studs on the bottom for gripping trails of any kind. mud, rocks, or grass. perfect for the mountain he was now running up. nothing could slow him down when he wore those shoes. but on todays 20 mile gaunt the studs were backfiring. they were digging into the pad of his foot every time he ran downhill. soon he had a bruise so bad that he squinted in pain each time his foot touched the ground. he stopped suddenly and took the shoe off. next thing he knew he was standing on the side of this mountain with a shoe in his mouth trying to bite the rubber stud right off! needless to say his teeth were no match for the rubber and with a shout of rage he swiftly threw the shoe off the side of the mountain. in minutes he was laughing at how ridiculous the situation had been. Despite it all he was still running, barefoot. And you know what? there was no more pain. he climbed high on that mountain before he realized that his shorts were beginning to cause chafing between his legs. he tried pulling them up into a wedgie which didn't help. He then tried sagging them real low which didn't help either. As soon as the chafing became so painful that he was holding his breath between steps, without any hesitation he removed his shorts altogether and threw them off the mountain. and that is how a group of hikers spotted a man running naked through San Gabriel mountains one day. it is rumored that he still runs like that.


run the world to my front door

Chapter 1: Breathing is Change
this is the story of how I ended up in the Oakwood Annapolis Hospital Emergency Room at 2am on the eve of July 4th 2007. Sitting in a wheel chair, my numb hands crinkled up into limp fists feet quivering against metal, dry heaving into a bucket as they ripped the clothes from my back and began sticking things - beeping things, shiny things, pointy things - into my veins, onto my chest, and through my nasal canals... it suddenly occurred to me somewhere between the EKG and the 2nd needle in my right arm, that this was not the appropriate manner in which to spend a summer evening. I should be having dinner on a river boat with a pale beauty named mary the distant fireworks displaying how we feel better than words. Or at the beach with tim and andrew drinking beer around a campfire singing songs of the old times. I don't even live in Detroit. Two nights ago I was in London, two weeks ago I was in Morocco, two months ago I was in Mexico. Two lifetimes ago I was graduating high school in Kenya. At least that's what it seems like as I cough up a bloody mucus. It feels like someone stuck a blow torch in my mouth and let the flames scorch my throat. The nurses strap a mask on my face and begin urgently throwing around terms like 'possible airborne-quarantine', asking me if I came into contact with anyone who may have contracted swine flu which had become an epidemic at the time. I live in LA when I get a day off. Sometimes I spend just 12 hours there between jobs trying to catch my breath. Which is a joke because if you have ever been to LA you know that there isn't any air left. Whatever oxygen hasn't been toxicified by pollution is quickly cyphened away from the 15 million people living in the expansive suburbs and cities to remote ranches of multibillionaire heirs of famous people living in the hills. Am I having trouble breathing? The nurses attempt to decipher my mumbling nonsense into clues. They want to know about me, but only enough to fix me. The rest is denied triage. I try and answer but some of the simpler questions are confusing. What hurts? Everything. Is the back of your neck sore? Everything. Does your chest feel pain as you inhale? Everything! I'm tired of repeating it. I'm so goddamn tired. Thinking is a waste of energy but I sink into it's mist willingly away from the torment of the tangible. What is the meaning of all this discomfort? What is the outcome? Will death give this pain meaning? Or is it meaningless still? What is the source of darkness? Is light the absence of dark? At what point did the contagions find me? Was it overlooking San Lucas where I saw an old man, his cedar bark skin, his cowboy hat and boots, his white shirt blowing in the wind as the sun set on his aged body? Was it on top of the ferris wheel at the San Diego county fair, the seat next to me empty? Was it eating watermelons from a cart on the road to Casablanca? From the Pizza at the airport in Rome? Was it the girl coughing next to me as we flew over the Grand canyon, news of Michael Jackson's death spreading like a virus on the ground? Was I alone in Paris for 1 too many seconds? Did I stand in the wrong breeze on Kauai?  When I stepped foot onto any one of those planes were the events that led to my downfall already set in motion? Or is this planet just a big petrie dish of organisms fighting to live at the mercy of one another? What if the microbes invading my body knew that their existence depended on the survival of higher organisms who have labs dedicated to the complete elimination of their kind. Would it make a difference? Maybe these strands of decrepit DNA don't desire their existence by choice. Maybe they're just trying to solve their equation.

Chapter 2: Language is just Communication
Ladies and gentlemen we would like to take this moment to remind you that all personal belongings must be securely stowed before take-off and landing.

The henna still fading from my arm where just a day before she grabbed me in front of King Hassan tower and began drawing the stuff from a syringe, I fasten my seat belt and thank Allah that I made it onto this plane. Not to say that the tourists were beginning to aggravate me, and not to say that the communication barriers were exhausting, but I was lucky to even be leaving. After missing my alarm, panicking to get a taxi, stopping at an ATM for cash to pay the driver, and then racing from Rabat to the international airport one hour away... my body was still coursing with adrenaline as I dragged my bags to a check-in desk with no airline listed.

Air France?
The gate is closed at 10.
It's 5 minutes past.
I know I'm very late.

She glares at me like I am a glob of goo she found stuck under the sink. I try and look like a helplessly cute glob of goo.


If you know how to speak someone's language than you can speak to them, that's all. It's something that Briham, my contact and essentially my guide in Morocco had said. He went on explaining that some men stay in one place and judge other people. They look and say that this place is not good or that place is bad. One needs to travel and go and see that we are all just trying to live and open our minds.

Bonjour miseau e tu room service?
Yes hello, english?
A little.
Thankyou sir.

The hotel where I stayed was embarrassingly posh. I was there to film local students investing in future opportunities for a technology firm out of the midwest. This wasn't my style. I wanted to see what their lives were like day to day in another country. Not ordering room service from my window overlooking a barbed wire fence between me and the street. And definitely not coercing these college kids to play out a skit scripted to impress the stock holders. I'm a hard worker and sometimes it's nice to get the cushy ride but I grew up moderately poor. Poor enough to be really grateful for everything I have and slightly uncomfortable when experiencing luxury. Especially luxury for it's own sake. The problem for me with extreme wealth is that there is no endgame. You never know when you got the job done because at some point it's unnecessary. You've skyrocketed out of the struggle for survival and into an immense space of vagrancy and weightlessness. At the front desk I ask about the currency exchange board which seems to have changed since yesterday.

How much?
7 Dirham for 1 dollar.
I thought...
Everyday they may change it sir.
Alright. I also need to book a room for tomorrow night.
Yes sir, it's not a problem.
So it's booked then?
Oui. yes.
Fantastic. Oh and the elevator isn't working.
Yes sir, sometimes.

And he meant it. The same way she did the last time we spoke. She was leaving to spend the summer at a camp tutoring ESL to US immigrants. I'd been planning our last evening together for about a week. We were going to go wine tasting which I thought would be a nice way to talk and also have something to distract us from the eminent departure. I didn't know until they called 5 minutes before she showed up that I would also be leaving. They asked if I could be in Morocco the next morning. It's so exciting when the call comes but it's unnerving. Suddenly all these things in your life loose traction as your ship instantly changes course. Like someone unhitching the latches of gravity from whatever direction you were headed. An invisible force pulling the puppet strings on what you thought was your own life.

We climbed the hill over Los Angeles one last time. There in the twilight of a city illuminating the foggy sky we held each other in despondency to the static forces pulling us in opposite directions. The next 12 hours were lost in a light speed haze of time that won't slow down. Like in star trek when the stars become lines because your moving so fast.

I can't wake up.
I love you.
One last hug, then I gotta go.
This is the last time we will ever be happy together.
Why are you saying that?
Sometimes that's how it is.
You don't... we... I don't know that yet.
Yes you do.

Passport, luggage, security, gate, seatbelt. Like it was always meant to be. Hello, this is Bensaid I was just calling to see that you are finding everything in the hotel satisfactory? You are fine? Ok?

Chapter 4: What is a mouse when it spins?
This is also the story of how two years ago I ended up sitting on the shores of Lake Victoria on the Kenyan side, getting progressively drunk with my best friend Tim on the third of July after nearly dying at the top of Mt. Kilamanjaro trying to forget about her.

It started in the 10th grade. In a school of 500 students where the first day of school was one of the most exciting because any new students were especially exotic. It was easy to be curious but rarely was I astounded or taken aback by any new beauty to join the ranks. This year was different. This year brought the girl that made my blood temperature rise at the very site of her. The kind of girl I could watch for hours from the second floor of the history building and never be able to recreate her image in my mind. I always had to look and see her again. She was an ether, she was emanating light. She was --- and this is the moment where you pause because you don't want to say something that will in any way diminish the feeling you have about that perfectly arrayed assortment of youthful atoms that are --- Mary Crane, the elixir become poison.

I could say it ended there by the sea with Tim or in Kisumu the next day. That's when Mary Crane got married to Jeremy E Perkins, a stud her own age. I like to think I was her high school sweetheart because they were both in college on that fateful day.

Chapter 5: This is not rocket science.

At first I'm trying to focus, to not think about it... the smell of her on my shirt. The scent left by a creature so subtly intoxicating. she must, she's a good thing, she's bad. I am a tree in a forest, I am a fish in the sea, I am a star in the sky. Where you will find one, you will find many.

Chapter 6: Rest in reason and move in passion

And with one breath he let the art completely overtake him. He embraced the chaos and they became one. This is truth, this is life, this is change. Other forms of art so contrived and deliberate now seemed transparent and wasteful, like chaff that blows away in the wind. Truth is blood, that flows unsteadily from the wound. Truth is change, that breaths and sweats continuously. Truth is weighted down by it's own existence. Did he know at that very moment what he was experiencing? Or was it only in reflection that he saw the sorrow carving a hole where the happiness would go?

Chapter 7: Amen
When the clock says 6am, this time I've had enough.
I turn the lights down low, when the sun comes up.
The morning brightness is clearest when my eyes have burned all night.
I see the world fresh. Without bias or presumption. The night is finished.

Why is it that when we wake up after sleeping we are so blunt and the world so dull.
Everything is oppressive and blurred. We struggle to think of it.

3 pairs of parrots take flight. Fish of the air. Free to move in any direction.

Chapter 10: Experience
We were there at my favorite hookah lounge. The girl from Ivory Coast, the Colombian, and me. Good place, good people, great music - was natures toast to this night. Armenian 2nd generation immigrants danced in the center as we smoked our way to oblivion on arabic pillows lining the walls. The colombian bit half a chili thinking it was some other green pepper shaped food. He nearly passed out shoving rice down his throat, wiping his tongue with a napkin. SHE was glorious and bohemian, a nose ring, a necklace from Senegal. I pictured her with a tatoo on her shoulder. This is a love triangle - I think to myself. I dream of a marriage that kills everyone involved. We look up and the lamps hanging from the ceiling are captivating. Each one is a different color and shape - like us. We argue about what to call our phalanx in plural and where is Rhodesia anyway?


It becomes quiet as I get further from the city. A single bird call is set apart from the wind. A trickle of life down in the valley. The green breathes here. Away from a world of sensory over-stimulation your nerves are heightened. Your awareness is more keen to the environment. It's pristine elements jump out at you. It is cleansing the further away I find myself. Up into single track trails that are no longer maintained. No group hikes here. No baby strollers. Even the critters are startled at the presence of a large mammal. They are not accustomed to this and seem to fuss just a little more and it may be my imagination but they almost seem curious. Nature seems to be watching me. Waiting to know if I can survive. That is the only game here. To prosper.


Become your love

I still imagine sometimes that my body is violently vaporized into a light red mist. Although i don't desire it beyond this dramatic impulse. It seemed like when I woke up in the hospital 1 year ago that I had died to a lot of things that weren't working in my life. I realized after being held for 3 days against my will that I have so much freedom. And everyday I waste it on habits that I abhor and regrets that are fruitless. I came out of that place with a fresh mind to chase my potential and design my own future creatively. I saw more clearly than ever before that all I needed was a reason a purpose a passion a goal... A love. To find a tangible love that i can give everything to. either live for it completely or die and be at peace. But don't suffer through life wading in all the bullshit you wish you could get away from and don't have the will power to do so. become your love.

for me, love is running. It is both the discipline and the reward. It affects my entire life. It has the power to make me feel whole again. And sometimes when I run on a cool day through the forest I feel that I am a light red mist floating over the earth.

- Posted from the Road



the purity of it, is it's simplicity.
not cluttered with man's inventions or mechanisms.
no wheel to defeat gravity.
no hammer break down the stones that stand in your way.

only ones natural ability to move about the earth.

to find yourself in wild places.
to stop and see where you have come with just your feet.
to be alone with the world.
taken into the world with nothing.

through efficiency not power does one go the distance.


junk miles

There's this voice in the back of your head saying... maybe these are wasteful miles. I feel like shit, I'm not running fast, and I can't remember what I did between the last 5 times I've come here to do this unquantifiable thing. This is a curse of the productivity oriented culture. Think of it like this... what would you be doing instead? Accomplishing something more important than being active? The mind tries to sabotage your training by planting doubts like - maybe your running too much! No such thing. It's cumulative. If you're running 100+ miles a week and all of those miles are getting slower and you feel more and more tired each time, then you have room to cut out some junk miles. In order that a day or two each week you feel strong enough to run fast. Otherwise getting that heart rate up to improve fitness and teaching your neuromuscular system to run by memory/repetition will greatly benefit you in the long term. The single most important factor in improving your speed/strength/endurance is mileage. Ideally you want to achieve high mileage by running a moderate pace every other day and make sure that you don't feel tired when you start your stronger runs on the other days. As long as you have enough energy to run with good form and keep the same pace throughout(negative splits are even better), then mileage is only going to help. I sometimes feel tired starting runs but I go slow and by the end I feel good to hit race pace for at least a mile or two. That lets me know that I'm not overtraining. It helps to run outside b/c I can always say that at least I'm enjoying being outside. But on the treadmill or on the trail you've run countless times just remember improvement is cumulative and every time you train you compact the effect of all runs before that. One of the greatest things that an endurance runner has to overcome is the boredom and doubts and loneliness that comes with the numerous miles and hours you will spend doing an unremarkable, sometimes painful, and tedious activity.


Editing is not like taking puzzle pieces and putting together a pre ordained picture. It is more like taking bricks and making a house, or a palette of colors and painting a picture, or a list of ingredients and making a pie. I think good editors work like authors. They understand that there are really only a certain amount of letters but they can form all kinds of words into many sentences which make up paragraphs that fill chapters and complete books. Knowing this helps one focus on sections of the piece without becoming frantic about the gaping holes still left in the whole. You just work on assembling lively parts And then you join them together. The more seamless these transitions are, the more pace and energy grows. This is where editing becomes creative. Because you cannot just make paragraphs and then place them anywhere throughout the pages. You must structure them just as you did the words which formed sentences. And in order to do this you must have a definite arch, a storyline, a plot. Something that tells the subconscious where this is all going, behind the aesthetics of light and color and music. Beyond the infinite complexities of art there must be a simple cue telling us where we are going. Even in mysteries we are 'told' what the characters are going to look for next. And the biggest mistake is to attempt to make it complex / interesting / pretentious. Because life is complex enough we need stories to be ultimately simple. In editing it is the art of subtlety that must be exercised. Imagine the audience as a dog(not to be demeaning although in a way we are attempting to make the story idiot-proof). You want this dog to go from point A to point B so you place a dog biscuit at intervals along the path. The dog can always see where the next one is and where it is leading him. if you were to hide one in a mailbox the dog would be lost trying to find it. To the point of not even knowing that it exists being completely unaware of it. Or let us say that at some point you begin pelting the dog with biscuits. Surly the dog wants to eat them but is struggling to survive the barrage of input. As editors we must always keep the subconscious mind aware that it needs to keep going. And although your favorite movies may mislead you by this tactic, it is an art where the rules must be learned before you can break them. Another common mistake while cutting is showing the client an early draft. Never let them see it. You don't give your teacher a paper with blank pages in the middle. You wait till you have a complete, even though rough, piece. You don't want someone to see the pie half done. They will lose all respect for the masterpiece. Like a magician halfway through his trick explaining how it is being done. It loses that special magic.


My First Ultra Run

Phase 1
parked in Azusa canyon... gloves, hat, sunglasses, food, water, map -- check! 7miles in. loose the gloves. refill water in the river before I climb out of the valley. purification tablets? check! almost turn back at the top of dam because of signage "KEEP OUT" "NO TRESPASSING" flashbacks of authority making me feel like an idiot. as if they created the world and expect everyone to abide. fuck it. crossing the dam, feeling brave but nervous. only to realize the road I intended to take was back on the other side. reset. go. I push on and don't see any waterworks employees as I climbed up up and away from my insecurity. startling a deer and unsuspecting squirrels, lots of tracks on the road... mountain lion?
Phase 2
the dam like a tiny toy now fades below and a view of the snow capped mountains beyond appears. as I reach the ridge. I can see now to the other side where I have run on trails from chantry flats just 20 minutes drive from my house. 2 more deer. "OHV - CARRY CHAINS" I am an 'Off Highway Vehicle' that doesn't require chains. but it would make a funny picture. catching Rim Trail which is obviously not maintained. it crawls off the side of a ridge leading up to the peak. A sign dedicating the trail to Herman Kuhn 1937-1985 "He loved mountain running." Keeping the fire alive, Aaron Flynn 1985 - . The leaves have fallen so thick that you can barely tell there is a path beneath the sheer slope that falls off to the right. hoping each time I place my foot down there will be solid ground beneath the debris to keep me from joining the avalanche. if 'single-track' is a trail where only 1 person can pass -- this is 'half-track'. loose the path and end up rock climbing some boulders to rejoin it. Altitude? Slowly steeply upward as the view get's increasingly spectacular. camera! no? THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. yea but... I can see from the eastern peaks to the ocean (if it weren't for the clouds blowing in from the sea. yes, those ones down below.) YOU EARN THIS VIEW. YOU HAVE TO DESERVE IT. the sun is shining on the old patches of snow I slosh through. but the wind is icy gloves again. I pass the observatory and it's many giant telescope buildings at the top. Mt. Wilson 5600 ft. 17 miles. Refill water, check map, eat ugali, chia seeds, dried fruit. Hikers with stoves make coffee under a bunker.
Phase 3.
Downward, but not the way I came. No turning back now. 
A few cars swerve around me winding they're way up to the peak where they will enjoy the fresh air with the backpackers. I'm hurting bad. The pad on my right foot is sending shock signals up my leg. But I don't envy them. Enjoying the summit without the effort. I take a trail/road that is "closed due to fire damage". nothing breaths. trickling stones the only sound that echos. a reminiscence of massive cascading rocks that knocked out sections of the road. climbing over these delicately. a flooded tunnel, eery drops from the roof. no light. no dry socks. no choice. light on the other side is a manifestation of hope dead forest. bare, black skeletons of trees stand like gravestones lining the rocky path. a fog rolling over the peaks below. soon I am too. the mist makes distance imperceptible. dizzying. right ear ringing. voices? pain. blank white everything. jagged rocks. a T in the road. choose wisely. the wrong way can add up miles quickly. miles I can't afford at this point. any uphill will destroy me. I collapse, my foot throbbing. Headphones? BATT LOW. lunge my pack off and check map. shove a bar in my mouth. relic of a time when there was a trolly that went this way hangs above a rocky pass. trees? barely through the fog a forest. but this one alive. tiny flowers in the grass. birds? water? more voices. maybe cars. the ground changes. from rock to clay to dirt to rock. can it be? tarmac? Yes the upper reaches of the mountain road. A biker has stopped here. This is the top of his ride. He confirms route and suggests a shortcut. I tell him where I came from and he double takes. But tries to be cool and suggest other routes I could have used. Happy trails mother f... Dive off onto a trail that drops to campground where begins 
Phase 4 - the final 10 miles. I feel relieved. I feel like I can make it. This is the first part of the trail that is a familiar route since I left the reservoir. I stop to refill my water in the river for final time. A couple walking on the trail eyes me suspiciously. As if to say, you know that water might kill you? "Only if it saves me first." The couple smiles. Did I say that out loud? Am I starting to loose it? Beep! My watch battery is dying. 30 miles and 5 hours of tracking. The last mountain to climb now, then drop into JPL, ropes course, rose bowl, big bridge, archers, 2 mile turnaround, 1 mile staircase, the horse stables, sports park - little league tournament, devils tunnel, final climb, home. I can't believe I made it!!! The run I've been dreaming of... Beep! Rushing water. I'm still at the river. I haven't even moved. Beep! Stay focused. Eat something. Don't think about home. Not yet. Just move. mental exhaustion manifests itself physically. Just keep swinging those legs. don't listen to your mind. Wheres the trail? My old funny kenyan accent kicks in. Don't hide from me, you guy. Sawa. Twende tukopamoja. Pole Pole ndio mwendo. An old man hiking confirms my directions. I say confidently that I will make it if I keep coasting downhill. He is breathing heavy. So am I. I collapse, continue, collapse, continue. collapse. my mind is making me stop because it wants to be done. But I'm not there yet. A mexican man cannot pull his 2 boys up onto the horse he is riding so I lift them up to the saddle. No english. I want to show him my watch. that I have already run 35 miles and I am still on my feet. that no language could do that. but... my watch battery has died. it couldn't go any further. it is a blank screen like the fog which is now 2000 feet above keeping the sun away. perfect weather for a run, hahahaha. now I sound drunk. slurring and murmuring to myself. if i s-see a taxi, heehee I'm gonna takeit. weekend fitness fiends in tight polyester with ipods and heart rate monitors circle the rose bowl while I stumble along trails that I usually blaze. why does that guy need a water bottle and a camelback? I bet he could run faster if he just left them at home. did he run here from canada or what?
make it stop. DON'T STOP. I want to walk. IF YOU STOP AGAIN YOU ARE DONE. DON'T STOP, BE BRAVE, JUST TO THAT TREE OVER THERE but I'm tired. I KNOW. it sucks. BUT IT'S GREAT, JUST TO THAT STOP LIGHT. too many miles this week. there's a point when it's just junk. it's doing harm rather than good. MAYBE. SEE THE BRIDGE, JUST GET TO THE BRIDGE. this isn't fun anymore. YOU WILL REGRET STOPPING, LATER WHEN YOU FORGET ABOUT THE PAIN, YOU WILL REGRET STOPPING. NOW, DOWN TO THE STOP SIGN I made the journey. that's the best part. That's all I wanted, to be out here. Isn't that enough? THAT'S TRUE. IT'S GOOD JUST TO BE OUT HERE. IT'S SO GOOD. JUST KEEP ENJOYING IT AND RUN TO THAT TUNNEL. and i still have to go back and get my car tonight. how will I manage? YOU WILL DO IT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO. BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO GET THERE. how? TO KEEP GOING. SLOWLY UP THE SLOPE. why is this part so hard. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP. ok. good. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO STOP? 
i tried to stop and I couldn't. my legs didn't listen to me. they refused to stop. BECAUSE THEY ALREADY KNOW... the last mile is the hardest. It's only 1/40th of the journey, and it's the most difficult thing you can imagine. The devil is loudest in the final hour. "Turtles win. Be a turtle." he says. And my legs just keep moving. Because they know that if I don't run the last mile, I might as well have not run the first. Maybe my gut knows it too. My mind is weak. It's trying to protect me. It doesn't see that even though in a race between a turtle and a hare the turtle wins, in a race between just turtles -- the turtle that jogs beats the turtle that walks. NOW YOUR JUST YAMMERING NONSENSE GARBAGE.

A stupid wooden eagle emblem hangs on the side of a flat roof building. My place. Where I left early this morning. And I've come here by foot. I cry. Because I'm tired. Because I will finally be able to leave this place. Because I'm glad that running is a part of my life even though it hurts so much. Because I'm thankful for the air, and the land. Because I'm sad that so much beauty lies unseen right beyond those hills. Because I've lost so many friends. Because I'm glad you are still a part of my life. And because I really didn't believe i could do it until this moment.


Remember to have fun

It's those quiet moments between our daily stresses that we remember that even being alive is a remarkable feat and should be celebrated.

- Posted from the Ice


In a world where the only thing constant is change,
it is not a question of the glass being half full or half empty.
It is rather a question of wether the glass is becoming full or becoming empty.
This will greatly effect how one interacts with the world.
How can I deal with this
You make it seem so effortless
When I might be falling for you

Looking back as she tears away
I swear I saw tear in that face
And I'm hoping I won't fall through

Take this love, with you today
Its not what you do, it's what I can't say
As the tide comes rushing in
You can't run away, gotta learn to swim


The more miles you run the faster you will become

Running is one of the few activities that reveals the way in which primal instinctive repetition cannot be replaced by any amount of science or emotion or tactics. In the face of such a basic, cumulative, natural process all technology, passion, and trick will fall short. Keep It Simple Stupid. The only way to get to the finish line is by taking one more step, and then another until eventually you cover it. Not one step that can be skipped. So do the miles. And look forward to the speed.


I have tried for a long time to sum up a growing opinion or feeling that I have about our society's ambition for wealth, its ancestral scientific outlook, and it's developed taste for mediocrity. I see the world in a light that was not intended to support such a creature. By lording over the universe we ruin it. To gain complete control over nature we miss fear and doom our future survival. I am proposing that we therefore destroy the elements of true freedom meanwhile admiring and desiring them. Like a young american boy running through the forest pretending to be a wild and free native-American ironically growing up in a culture that obliterated such a person.



When I do something in life, I do it 100%.
Every target I set... I aim to shoot and I shoot to kill.


Every morning in Africa an antelope rises and knows that it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up and knows that it must run faster than the fastest antelope or it will starve. Doesn't matter if you are an antelope or a lion -- when the sun comes up, you'd better be running.
it is through the elimination of many factors which may cause failure that we open the door to success.


When you are traveling with a couple of fat asses who aren't even capable of hustling to the gate to catch a flight, do not feel inconsiderate when you decline their innocent offers to 'live a little'. The reason you feel stronger and more able is directly related to the lifestyle choices you make everyday.


- Posted from the Road


There was a life in every seed.
A tree on every leaf.
I saw a bird that when it spread it's wings a face appeared.

- Posted from the Road


American tv

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This just in... News of a tv anchor going on vacation. Reports indicate that someone else will be reading the news for the next two weeks. Well be following this one closely for you.

Political ticker:: for the next three hours our top analysts will discuss what could happen if people keep talking about the developments in why we have discussions and give you professional advice about if you should stop listening to people talk about potential factors that effect the way we speak about things that professional talkers are might be having conversations about.

This new pill WILL make you sleep better than you ever have. May cause side effects. If you experience insomnia, excessive compulsive disorder, suicidal thoughts, dizziness, diarrhea, or rashes please consult your doctor.

We made this car just for you. Because we care about you and we know what you need... Google told us.

This Weekend Sale. EVERYTHING is half off! THE ENTIRE STORE is 50% savings.
*Does not include all merchandise


I was born in another land. It was all I knew until one time I was brought to America. During my visit I had a dream that I had forgotten something in my house in kenya. In my dream I went to get this thing that I had forgotten as if it was just down the street. I don't think I ever came back.


were i to dream

i was born in a foreign land. i grew up in this land thinking only about things in that land. when i became older we made trips to my parents homeland. one time while in America I had a dream that I forgot something at home in Africa and so I went to get it. when I awoke I had the distinguishing feeling that I never really made it back from the dream.


Travel Log: Hawaii

After a great weekend and visit from Steve, which concluded with a 15k race (finished 2nd and 3rd) early Sunday morning, lunch at great harvest bread co, and riding the bus to LAX together, I boarded a flight to Honolulu with the Hurley camera crew and a couple surfers including Rob Machado. The first 2 days we had cloudy weather and poor surf making for an unmotivated group of athletes and even less determined camera crew. At the mercy of the elements for both sun and waves we tried to retain a positive energy by continuously reviewing and testing b grade footage. The only thing holding up to our unanimous expectations was the food. From swordfish with pineapple salsa to ahi poke to acai bowls with honey granola and bananas on top, we enjoyed the exquisite tastes of the north shore. I started the 3rd and final full day with a run on the bike-path that parallels the shoreline. The sun was just breaking over the hills behind our house when I got back. There was something different about this day. We all felt it. After a quick bite I grabbed my gear and hiked with the group across the street to a section of waves called log cabins. The session produced some great clips with adequate lighting. Enough to stay in focus at least! And we felt that we deserved a little luck after all our struggling. Now on the bus headed home I'm soaking in the events of the last week...

- Posted from the Road



Retreating into the wilderness to commune, in total silence, with the law that holds the universe together.



the layers of struggle

i was running along thinking about how the western more economically comfortable mindset tends to try and 'think' it's way out of any problem. for example... instead of just heading out and working/running hard everyday (the way a kenyan or someone from a less fortunate culture would do) we try to figure out some secret or some way to tweak our training and maximize improvement. We love statistics and scientific-like deductions such as "the faster you recover - the more you can train, the lower your muscle tension during rest - the faster your recovery rates will be, tactics such as icing and massage - lower muscle tension... therefore massage increases performance. I almost stopped running to laugh at myself when I realized that this entire time I was doing exactly what I was trying to say was wrong with the western mindset.



intense running is like holding your breath. it's extremely uncomfortable, especially at first. but after a while it becomes tolerable and you find a peace in the heart of this struggle.



I was running just 3 miles when it hit me that I might be officially crazy. nuts, bananas, bonkers! Maybe I deserve to be locked up in an asylum and society really is reserved for the mild, 'sensible' member of the proletariat. Surely, someone who finds spontaneously running home from a movie high on their list of 'fun' things to do, is on the fringes of society. Even more so someone who howls and laughs out loud and (nearly) screams at fellow pedestrians, "why is everyone driving? we drive everywhere! what is wrong with everybody?". All the while suspicious that I may have really lost itIt's been something in the back of my mind for a while. Like when I'm sitting in an icy pool by myself at 7am, or when I can barely carry the 4 bags of groceries that I just walked 2 miles with, or when I'm on a new 12 mile trail in the woods running up a hill steep enough that people are walking their bikes and I happen upon a sign but I'm so exhausted I can't remember what the trail is called. What doesn't compute for me is that while I am curious and want to explore the world in all it's brilliance I feel that I am being sensible and using impervious deduction when I decide that most of society is completely off. Is it so illogical that when I refuse to let my body cascade towards the inevitable point of lowest energy, it is glaringly obvious this requires a change of lifestyle which doesn't parallel the mainstream? (possibly resulting in dodging cars - running down the middle of the street at night to avoid sidewalk construction - wearing pants and carrying a sweater) Or should I not question that while we become increasingly comfortable driving two blocks to the store and sitting for hours in front of a computer we also become more dependent on medicine to help us sleep at night? A car that is already halfway out of the driveway stops, and reverses back up the driveway to let me run by as I come to another simple conclusion; society must be for crazy people... who agree to follow rules. Spoken rules and unspoken rules. Rules that make us feel like there is less madness and that we will never reach the point of lowest energy. The asylum on the other hand, is for people who are also crazy (maybe more or even less crazy) but just missed the part where they were supposed to agree with all the other crazy people. They lack the ability to lie and prefer to face this 'insanity' head-on. 
[ Once, at a birthday celebration in my teens everyone was going around trying to say (uncontrived) nice things about me when it came to my brother and I could tell he was stumped. One of the things about being brothers is that he wasn't embarrassed and I wasn't hurt. It made us laugh uncontrollably. He finally said something like, "Aaron has the inability to tell a lie." Maybe because I didn't know what he meant at the time, but for some reason that stuck with me.  Even though the dinner was completely forgotten when my mothers purse was snatched! ] 
Point being, I think it is an 'inability' and a 'disadvantage' to be incapable of not always seeking the truth. Or simpler put, I think it usually takes a lie of some kind to show that you agree about life and can become a member of the 'club'. What's that line again... I wouldn't want to be a part of a club that would have me as a member? Yea, that pretty much sums it up.

On a side note: I might start wearing sweatpants from now on. Even though they are silly and somewhat offensive in most situations I refuse to find myself running 3 miles in jeans ever again.


When I run I know who I am, again. It's what I feel, and I'm at peace. I cannot be angry at anyone for being true to who they are because that is the closest I am to being alive.

- Posted from the Ice
a true rebel must sometimes uphold the rules,
in order to love breaking them.


my last wish is that you complete my short film. unfortunately(or maybe quite the opposite) i did not leave any creative leeway in this regard. all that is required is to use the last clip from the camera found near my body at the end of the short film on my computer. please do this and show it to the ones that should see it. this is all I have left to say...
the reward for good work, is more work


notes of events

thursday morning I flew out of Burbank Airport at 7am after just 5 hours of sleep. Could not seem to organize my luggage or thoughts the night before. growing confidence that my producer has organized competently for the adventure ahead. after hauling gear bags through the airport, meeting up with the rest of the crew and driving from Salt Lake City to Park City, UT we filmed our first key interview with the director of programming for the Sundance Film Festival(the guy who picks the films). My body needs rest before it can train so I will not worry about missing any runs today. Satisfied to get organized and rested for some busy days and nights ahead. Woke up to blue over head and white covering the ground. Found a market and picked up some fresh organic foods to eat. I don't mind being the only one on the crew that isn't satisfied getting by on energy drinks and pizza. With a fresh menu and a good 12 hours to adjust to the altitude(7000ft) I went for a 5 mile run on a snowed out bike trail just before the sun set. I enjoy watching the Australian Open and EPL soccer matches in the 3 bedroom condo we have rented when we're not battling traffic and the cold to film in this fantastic little ski town. The kenyan tea bags I brought are keeping me comfortable as we film and edit late into the night. Our first big deadline kept me up until 8 am... after an hour nap I got up to a great response from the client. I stayed up the rest of the day so as not to upset my internal clock and keep some semblance of a routine. It snowed almost all day. After getting a good sleep I got up and went for another 5 mile run through the neighborhood. The roads were icy so I went carefully over some rolling hills. The crew is co-operative but need some spark.


consider this...

the sum of electric charge in the universe has never changed. all energy and therefore matter is 'borrowed'. one theory is that the universe is made up of just one electron charging back and forth through time(quantum electrodynamics).

when the suffering is worse than the dying... the 2nd law of thermodynamics proves that the amount of entropy in the universe always increases. when two atoms react and energy is cast off, there is always energy lost. meaning that the overall count of organized, manageable energy is always decreasing.

 a seed is the container of potential. is it a leaf, or a is it a whole tree, or a flower, or a bee, or a seed that comes from the fruit of that tree? Is the seed the same as just another seed or is it all of things?



they had a civil war to keep the country together.


A big green salad with every meal.

Smile when you run.

Clue # 243: it's easier to climb up then it is to climb down.

Forefoot striking?

- Posted from the Ice


Nature is starting slow ending fast. Easing your way into it. Running far and slow to become quicker.
Science is burning fat rather than sugar by running below your anaerobic threshold.
Nature is running barefoot and strengthening the body against gravity.
Science is iron transporting oxygen to cells from the lungs. Vitamins and minerals assisting I'm the break down of sugars metabolically.

Science tries to overstep its bounds in helping overcome nature by attending to outthink it. This is not possible. Science is only the understanding of nature and a map to how we can live in harmony with it amidst our industrial lives.

- Posted from the Ice