Then one day I looked upon a mirror and saw an old old man.

The boy doesn't think about his feet when he runs. He thinks about where he wants to go and how fast he can get there. He doesn't think about his 2 o'clock or his early call, he just climbs towards the roof to get above the chaos that surrounds him. He doesn't know that he will eventually get tired of solving the same problems that plague every man and woman that ever grew up. That he will make excuses and compromises to get just what he needs. That someday there will be no one to blame and no where to hide. It will just be him against the world. He will wish that it could go back to the wonder and the excitement of inexperience when he didn't know that every emotion has a purpose, that no desire is unique, and that hope only exists because it must. But he will stop wishing because he cannot afford the real estate in his heart. He will force himself to abandon the curiosity that led him into freedom as a child for a calculating manipulative shell that hangs between fear and insecurity. He will become proficient enough to


Angeles Crest spectating

so after returning from LAX in the AM I went up to shortcut saddle yesterday (the same spot we started our death march run that one hot day) to check on the ac100. Live update said the first place guy was on his way there. I found a bunch of the runners' crews hanging out and trying to spot anybody on the distant switchbacks through binoculars. I ran that section north of the saddle last week. Got some crazy poison oak (again) and according to some of the people there a new plant with purple flowers that I didn't know was poisonous. anyhow soon the first place dude shows up, Jorge, he's 42, he won it last year, and he's being paced by his wife which they're allowed to do after 50 miles. but they're walking. His whole family latino style sits him down and starts rubbing his legs, icing his neck, spraying his calves. Uncle is video taping and aunty is rinsing his bandana. he eats and drinks a bit, switches water bottles, and takes off. they cheer and whistle at him till he rounds the last bend into the valley. Pretty soon I caught wind that the second place guy isn't far behind. So I decide to stay a bit longer. Dominic comes up the hill in good form. Still running and smiling. Which is impressive at mile 60 something. His crew is more like a bunch of chicks and dudes. Asking him what he needs, telling him how good he's doing. Looking slightly clueless. He doesn't lounge around but shortly says he's good to go and a friend already set with camelbak takes off to pace him through to chantry flats. For an ultra it's all set up to be a 'sprint' finish. Will Dominic continue to pick up his pace or will Jorge forge on and get a second wind? I drove home with plans to hit some other check points or at least go to the finish. I tracked the live updates all day until I realized that Dominic now in the lead wasn't going to finish till 1:30am. But my schedule has been all messed up anyway and I didn't wanna miss this so I went to where I thought the finish was supposed to be and I couldn't find it! Eventually I came home and saw on a map where it was but 2 people had already finished so I called it a night.
with no more context then the results today (that's right, people were still finishing this morning) I found something extremely interesting. oh you thought you were just reading a stream of consciousness blob-i-ddy-du? Nope, there's a moral to this story... and here it is. Out of 72 starters in the race, Jorge who dominated the first half of the race, was the only one to drop out.


the thing about the get rich lifestyle is that there's no end game. there's no point in which you say that you have reached the top. it looses meaning. the beauty of restrictions is focus. only under extreme pressure and heat are diamonds formed. in space everything is just weightless matter floating around until some gravity or other force grabs hold.


Running analogies for life

The harder you work, the easier it gets.
Sometimes you have to slow down to go the distance.
You can't improve in one area and expect overall performance to drastically excel. Like a table or a chair you have to raise each one up in balance.
You can run without winning, but you can never win without running.

- Posted from the Road


Consolidate the evidence

Sometimes on a lazy Sunday afternoon I like to close my eyes and open them over and over, convincing myself that this all really does exist.

- Posted from the Road


Owning the fire

You get to this point in training when you've done it for a while and you can stand back and see that you have a choice... You can continue to put in numerous hours, miles, and energy with no guarantee that you will ever be more than a mediocre recreational runner or you can decide that you are in it for the wrong reasons and prefer a more modest, civilized approach to exercise. In the latter case you may find it difficult to continue at all. I think the really great athletes are the ones who push on past these moments of doubt. By finding why it is a part of your life and a part of who you are you begin to understand that it is worth all that commitment. You realize that running will give you so much more than just winning and you like the pain anyway. I see now how far I've come and I know that there is still so much desire in me to press on and that drive will take me to places I didn't know were possible. Nothing in life should be decided by the scope of sacrifice one has to make to achieve greatness. You should approach your passions one step at a time. If you don't enjoy the running today, there is a low probability that you will like running by the time you have reached your potential.

- Posted from the Road


Potential Migraine Triggers

Inconsistent schedule
'Spiking' or 'dropping' blood-sugar levels
Lack of good nights rest
Unmanaged stress factors
Hydration and electrolyte replacement
Self-destructive behavior
Overuse of personal energy


As guys we are horrible at communicating. As creative sorts we are terrible at explaining things. As long lost friends we are not on the same wave length so much right now. Here's an attempt at explaining my struggle. Forgive the essay.

One year ago when I tried to deal with all the relationships lost over the years i felt so much that i nearly drowned myself. That is, i woke up in the psyche ward of huntington hospital with a gash in my arm. I realized that I needed to start over. Not that I can just ignore my pain but if I can't handle it by eliminating myself from the equation, if I'm going to go on with this existence thing - I wanna do it right. Go all the way. Maximize my strength and ability. And keep running - the only thing I'm excited about right now. Basically there's no reason anymore not to focus 100% on my potential. Why waste time with anything else? To hell with all the stuff I can't figure out.

I think the problem is that you remind me of all that stuff. So when we wanna hang out I'm afraid I'll just start feeling the things that have been lost all over again.

This isn't to say I'm not in favor of our friendship or in need of a friend. The other day I got airlifted out of the mountains and had to take a taxi back to get my car - is just one example. I'm crushed with work(a good thing, no complaints) and trying to fit in 75 miles a week training for a 50mile and then 100 mile race next year hopefully. Which you can't do without sleep. So I dunno where that leaves us. I can't do the social gatherings and late nights, I just dont feel right there. But if we could have a regular meetup like sushi or lunch or something I'd be totally interested.