As guys we are horrible at communicating. As creative sorts we are terrible at explaining things. As long lost friends we are not on the same wave length so much right now. Here's an attempt at explaining my struggle. Forgive the essay.
One year ago when I tried to deal with all the relationships lost over the years i felt so much that i nearly drowned myself. That is, i woke up in the psyche ward of huntington hospital with a gash in my arm. I realized that I needed to start over. Not that I can just ignore my pain but if I can't handle it by eliminating myself from the equation, if I'm going to go on with this existence thing - I wanna do it right. Go all the way. Maximize my strength and ability. And keep running - the only thing I'm excited about right now. Basically there's no reason anymore not to focus 100% on my potential. Why waste time with anything else? To hell with all the stuff I can't figure out.
I think the problem is that you remind me of all that stuff. So when we wanna hang out I'm afraid I'll just start feeling the things that have been lost all over again.
This isn't to say I'm not in favor of our friendship or in need of a friend. The other day I got airlifted out of the mountains and had to take a taxi back to get my car - is just one example. I'm crushed with work(a good thing, no complaints) and trying to fit in 75 miles a week training for a 50mile and then 100 mile race next year hopefully. Which you can't do without sleep. So I dunno where that leaves us. I can't do the social gatherings and late nights, I just dont feel right there. But if we could have a regular meetup like sushi or lunch or something I'd be totally interested.