Taking Home With You

I feel stuck in my job because the longer i work for this company (and i should mention that i don't see myself working for them for the rest of my life) the less in touch i feel with la and the freelance work i used to do. Which is my only other serious option unless i go back to school. But the company and life keep giving me things to look forward to and delay my ability to concentrate on figuring out what the next move is. I keep thinking ill take a minute after the next big thing. But its been almost more a year since i have had a breather for more than a day. Last year when i lived in la it was all about the build up to running big 100 mile summer races while commuting to work in costa mesa. Then i moved and spent six months in a cabin training for a winter project on mt kenya while completing the biggest freelance side project of my career and still commuting to the day job. After this i trained for a race in florida while becoming excessively busy at my day job in the new year. Then i had to house hunt and move out of the cabin to a place closer to work just before a trip to Liberia swearing that on my return i would settle into the new apartment and town. But as fate would have it on the way back i met a girl on the plane going to school in la. So i spent the next two months driving BACK to la to see her and basically try not to fall in love while training for a race the weekend after i helped her pack up, said goodbye and she left for the world. I didn't end up doing the race because they sent me to Bosnia for work. As i sit on another nine hour flight away from home i start to experience a recurring anxiety coupled with a helplessness like i have no control over the situation at home or my life in general. Clearly its been one 'marathon' after the next and my excessive 'panic attacks' are not unwarranted. I have been on the move unable to take advantage of the benefits that come from daily repetition and consistency. Where the familiarity of being at 'home' for a stretch of time changes your brain waves(at least i think it does). You can organize thoughts and ideas and a view of the future out of a literal and physical starting point. The trick i suppose is to foster and create a mobile version of this familiar 'environment' around yourself as you travel. Even if it is just in your mind. For example i tell myself that i will try and see the sun every morning. Or i will write down my thoughts each night. These habitual exercises can keep you cognitively plugged into your 'original' psyche at least for a time. Maybe its just coping and surviving the road, but it helps. And i have experienced growth by being cornered in situations that required calm and reason on the run i have discovered the essence of freedom and joy. Ive learned not to cling to life or grasp at it. Ive learned that good things do happen when we let go of our fear. living a life of control, bad things still happen. But the universe brings such amazing opportunities if you open yourself up and let the things you are clinging onto go.